i think my mom watched the whole time
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize