Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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