you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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