i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
