Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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