I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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