you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
