i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize