I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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