if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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