doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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