he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
