he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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