i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
