I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
