I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
