just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
