I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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