when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
