so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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