Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
