life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
