I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
