I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize