By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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