the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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