I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize