pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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