You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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