god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
