I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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