Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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