I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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