Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
