I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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