Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
