If that was your dad, he is hot
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
