I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
