i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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