Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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