you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
