He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
