chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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