Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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