You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
