Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
