just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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