Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well most of my day revolves around power hour
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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