This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
