did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
