why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
