shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
