my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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