I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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