i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
