I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
