Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
