i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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