I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
