i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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