i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
